December: thus far it's like being invited to a party where the host expects you to choke down some hideously weird food, and everyone will be horribly offended if you don't. Just when I think I've swallowed the last of the testicles or eyeballs of what-have-you it seems there's another course.

Last night I woke up at midnight with a toothache that kept me up for several hours. At minimum I need a filling. I haven't been to the dentist in a long time, so minimum I'm probably looking at $500 for the checkup and new xrays and filling. It's like I'm bleeding money every time I move. What a pain in the ass. Also, they can't see me until Thursday. I'm thinking of going elsewhere (there's a dental office next door) but the other dentist, despite being expensive, has all my files and knows my mouth. Also, he's a pretty painless guy. The ache last night was enough to keep me up , invade my dreams and make me think that pliers seemed like a reasonable solution. I can't wait to see how fucked up I feel by thursday. I'll be taking a lot of ibuprofen and using maximum strength Orajel. On the plus side, maybe I'll eat less crap. It's hard to imagine wanting to eat ever again right now.

On the up side, I've received an email asking me to do a keynote speech at a conference. I can't afford to go. If they could afford to pay for my hotel and airfare, I'd really consider it. It sounds interesting.

I finally heard back from Resolve, and they've approved my interest-free status until April, which was unexpected and is a load off my mind. I hope the moments of waking up with sudden insomnia at 4:00 am will now stop. Also, the weird dreams in which I have people invading my home and have forgotten to attend classes all semester. Also, there was one where the cat's head burst into flame like the baby in the Incredibles. This was particularly upsetting because I was dreaming that I couldn't sleep when it happened, and so thought I was awake.

My cousin Paula has emailed me the status application, which is exciting, although nerve-wracking as well. I have to print it off, fill it out, and get my brother to do the same. Then we fax them back to her. I appreciate her work on this for us. I still want to meet with someone at First nations House or someplace similar to get an idea of what changes status might entail.

I'm getting things done with my time off. I applied for a replacement SIN card yesterday. Wow, was the City Hall location ever filled with weirdos. One man tried to convince another not to immigrate to Canada, because "they put you in jail here, for no reason." I bet there's an interesting back story to that opinion. The young guy explained that his home country was full of war. The older guy responded that he could spend six months in a European country, thereby cutting his chances of dying in half. Also, he said this country was full of crime. I guess that's why we out people in jail without reasons. There was also a younger guy who tried striking up a conversation with any woman who sat by herself. His personal philosophy was that he could get along with anyone (except men apparently, or women with men). He said it didn't pay to be smart--that it hadn't helped him any. He said he didn't want people to take him seriously, and that if he could make someone laugh he'd been successful. He talked to a muslim woman and immediately asked numerous questions about her headscarf. She wasn't laughing.

Today I'm going to apply for my new passport. That'll be the end of my big errands. mr_pugh and I have been watching Wonderfalls. We liked Pushing Daisies and this is by the same director. I'm liking it, which is of course why there is so little of it.

I ate some chips called Blair's Death Rain, which claimed to be the hottest chips on the planet. I wasn't convinced, because their ingredient list wasn't very intimidating, perhaps because I failed to appreciate what a habanero chili was. I was very very very wrong. They hurt me badly and I am continuing to regret that I ever let them in my body. I like spicy food, but this is simply ridiculous. It's like a poisoning.

I've been having trouble with Toast Titanium. AT first it was all error messages, which Google helped me find solutions for. Particularly key to eliminating the "buffer underrun" issue was setting "buffer underrun protection" on in the preferences. Now It's taking forever to burn. I had to force quit the program to get it to stop. The next step is trying to burn with a mac utility to see if there's a burning issue (no pun intended) with my computer.

I like this whole "holiday season" thing. I collect Christmas music. I like the trees (but not their deadness) and the lights and little presents and heartwarming movies. I like Home Alone. If it were up to me we'd be playing Christmas movies nonstop all month. Sadly, this interferes with something my co-workers call their "sanity." Whatever!

I'm going to be slightly broke over December (when is this ever not the case?), what with trying to dump my every spare cent onto my loans, having to renew my passport and my AAR membership, and needing a new ink cartridge for my printer since the refurbished one I got seems to have no ink. I already had the store replace it, so it must be the line. This should teach me to cheap out on ink.

All of this means I won't have a spectacular shopping giftmas (which would have included an Ikea trip so I could get five more billy/benno cd towers). But we've made a list of the things that will make for a really awesome holiday and they're not particularly expensive. I've got a recipe for pumpkin pie and one for molasses cookies. I have some other holiday recipes I want to try as well. Hell, I'd like to try tofurkey. I also want to try baking a chocolate gingerbread I've been thinking about. My favourite xmas presents are books, particularly second-hand mystery novels. mr_pugh got some of his giftmas in November, and his needs are usually small and reasonable. I'm confident we can accommodate both of us having something fun. Also, our social plans have been rearranged so some things are kind of up in the air. On the up side, biwot has some great December socials going on.

Despite my brokeness I bought an external hard drive for my computer. It really had to be done. My computer was full (being only 74.52 GB to begin with), despite having my cleaned house inside it like a little demon. I kept getting messages that whatever I wanted to do wasn't possible, due to my teeny hard disk space. The new drive is 1TB (over 13 times the size I have now). I've already copied my important files onto it, so if there's ever a fire I can just grab the external and run. It will also enable me to copy some items my uncle has requested and (I hope) get them to him this month. If I ever get a new computer I can still use the external with it.

I've written a brief article for the Postcolonial Theologian's Discussion Group on Facebook. ( Read more... )

Psychological Decolonization: Getting Back My Indian Soul

To do postcolonial theology as a Mi’kmaw woman requires acknowledging that “postcolonial” is a goal, rather than a reality for native Canadians. Although our nation is post-colonial in the sense that we have political autonomy from Britain, native Canadians still feel the political, economic, psychological and physical effects of ongoing colonization.

One of these effects is that our identity as natives is not under our own control. The Department of Indian and Northern Affairs determines who is an Indian and who is not. By keeping the numbers of “authentic” Indians low white elites perpetuate the idea that our people have all but died out, reinforcing the myth of Canada as an empty country into which French and British settlers simply moved. By downplaying the violence of colonization and the size of the native population, Canada is able to de-legitimate current conflicts over land, resources and treaty rights. Blockades and protests can be constructed as an individual and criminal matter, rather than a dispute between nations. Conflicts between natives and Canada reinforce my sense that the government of my country is not necessarily my government, but rather an alien and alienating force. Despite belonging to one of my country’s first nations, being Indian ironically means being less Canadian.

As a racialized people, natives cannot control how we are represented. Native men have been infantilized; portrayed as lacking the capacity for logical thought and self-control. When Donald Marshall forced the government to recognize Mi’kmaq treaty rights to fish commercially, natives were portrayed as a danger to conservation efforts. The violence response of white fisherman was all but ignored, and they were instead portrayed as authorities on fisheries management. Native women have been stereotyped as promiscuous and self-destructive. As a result the rape and murder of native women is not taken seriously. In the past 30 years, 500 native women have gone missing or been found murdered. The police response has been inadequate, to say the least. A missing native woman, whatever her age, is assumed to be a drug addicted prostitute, and therefore supposedly disposable.

“Indian” is an abstract concept whose content is determined by the needs of white elites. I have the freckled white skin of my Mi'kaq ancestors. As a result white people often dismissed my nativeness as inauthentic. Extending white skin privilege to those of us who can successfully “pass” is both an effect of colonization, which has defined nativeness without recourse to our actual appearance, and an attempt to absorb us into the white mainstream.

To receive white privilege, one must embrace and perform white culture. Many native peoples, particularly those denied Indian status by the government, have little alternative. The Mi’kmaq have been in contact with white colonizers since the 18th century, and much of our culture is lost or has syncretized with French and British tradition. The residential school system effectively wiped out entire generations of Mi’kmaq culture. My grandmother grew up on the Lennox Island Reservation in Prince Edward Island and was sent to a Catholic residential school in Shubenackadie, 265 kilometres (165 miles) from her home. There she and her sister were beaten for speaking their native language. It is estimated that there are now only 8000 Mi’kmaq speakers. Toward the end of her life my grandmother remembered only a few words of Mi'kmaq. For many Mi’kmaq, our theology will be a theology of loss as well as one of creative re-imagining.

The residential school system was a class project as well as a racial one. Residential school training aimed at creating a servant class just educated enough to take their place within white society. The “good” Indian operates in an assistive capacity—the Tonto, to the white man’s Lone Ranger. Race and class are also intertwined. The lower my class, the less others perceive me as white and the more authentic they have treated my native heritage. In the logic of white supremacy, being non-white goes naturally with other subordinate positions.

Class is both a material and a psychological reality. Economic violence marks the body in ways that reinforce and undergird caricatures of the poor as degenerated, dirty, and otherwise inadequate. Interventionist and paternalistic social welfare organizations further degrade the poor by viewing their alienation, depression, and despair as personal failings which cause poverty, rather than the effects of poverty itself. Decolonizing ourselves requires that we examine our economic conditions. Who benefits, we must ask, from our economic submission as well as our cultural and racial oppression? A decolonizing theology must name this economic oppression (as well as our racial subordination and cultural erasure) as sin, and furthermore, must identify culpable and complicit people and power structures as sinners.

Postcolonialism brings a critical lens to the theology we inherit. Rather than allowing the centre to set the terms of discussion, postcolonial theology argues that the margins are a more fruitful place from which to theologize. As a woman, a bisexual, and a Mi’kmaq, I often feel that I am standing on the outside of theology, looking in. Throughout my degree work I have encountered subtle and not-so-subtle criticism because my ethics and theology (queer, feminist, native) look different than that done in the mainstream. While I can discuss theology at the symbolic or abstract level, it is the socio-political that is our immediate horizon. People tend to redefine my work as politics or sociology or religious history or ethnography—anything other than theology. Yet what isn’t theological, I ask, about my position on various binary poles, the extremes of which have been assigned values of good and evil? To do theology with a postcolonial goal, means that issues such as the power of self-definition, the preservation (or ongoing creation) of native culture, and our opposition to colonialism must be the stuff of which our theology is made.

I've been on the phone all morning with Resolve, the company in charge of my NS student loans. ( cut for triggering bank shenanigans )

Convocation was awesome, despite the little problems that cropped up along the way. I forgot to bring my watch because it was in another jacket. But mom had a watch and there were clocks about. The batteries in my digital camera, which I had juiced days beforehand, were dead. Luckily there was a photographer taking our photos for the grad wall and Chris, the other student graduating with the PhD, asked his wife to take some photos of me too. So that may not bite. If they won't work as official grad photos I'll bite the bullet and get them professionally done. Anyone recommend a photographer, just in case?

I got to reconnect with a lot of folks I hadn't seen in a while, including Raymond, who is a sweetheart, and the other student from SMU to recently attend Regis. He knew about the St. Mike's issue and he told me that it wasn't that St. Mike's didn't like me; they do. But the whole Catholic academic/ministerial world seems to be under such pressure that people are getting sick an some are leaving for more friendly traditions.

I was last in line, so I could just watch everyone else. When it was our turn to go Chris and I walked up. They read off our dissertation titles (and pronounced every word correctly, which was a feat with mine), and nobody made a face that I could see. When we receive the PhD we change gowns our black one comes off and we get a red and blue one. The picture to the left is a fairly accurate representations, although it's difficult to tell that the hat is velvet beefeater style. They accidentally gave me Chris' gown and gave him mine, so his ended at his calves and mine went past my feet, so I had to lift and carry it like a wedding dress. We switched it up after the ceremony. I now have a big diploma I'll need to get framed.

There was a lot of singing and a lot of Mozart. There were a surprising number of people receiving more than one degree. We milled about and I introduced mom and mr_pugh to people. A lot of strangers congratulated me, which was nice. Some people asked me about my dissertation, saying it sounded interesting. I referred them to my website for a copy. Alas! I should have brought my business cards.

Afterward we went to Elephant and Castle, and I was disappointed that A) they seem to have reduced the number of vegan food items on their menu and B) We saw our waitress once to take our order and had to go get her in order to pay the bill. We could have used a drink refill and my mom's Caesar was too peppery to drink.
Afterwards we came home and I was pretty exhausted. Mom and I watched Murder She Wrote and Hot Fuzz and then I crashed into bed, sleeping about 13 hours.

I had an awesome time in Montreal. Thankfully, I had two days before I had to present, which was good, because I felt tired and grouchy after a five hour train trip. The hotel room at Intercontinental Montreal was awesome. The bathroom was huge, the bed was huge, and the place was spotless. The view wasn't any great deal, but I don't really care about views. However, I did freak myself out a little. As I was walking to the room I noticed it was the last one in the hall before the emergency exit stairs. I watch a lot of CSI, so immediately I thought "Great! I'm in Murder Central." So despite having the electronic lock, the bolt, and a kind of solid chain-lock device on I was freaked out enough to sleep with a capped pen in case I had to stab an intruder to death.  And sure enough, all night long I dreamed that people were breaking in and I had to stab them with my pen.  At least I was proactive.

The panels and presentations I attended were terrific.  I practiced my speech several times over the two days leading up to it, and I went early to the room and practiced it there, psychologically claiming the room.  I went last on the panel, and relaxed by using the technique I'd seen on Dexter, where John Lithgow's character said "it's already over" to one of his victims.  I told myself that I'd already gone, and I was wonderful and people loved it.  Then I went up to do it again as an encore.  And sure enough, people did love it.  Mark Jordan called it "agile and stunning."  i hope he meant agile in terms of "mentally quick or acute" and not in the sense of "manipulative," as someone at work jokingly suggested.  I'd brought 16 copies of the speech and every one of them went.  At least six people came up later during the conference to reiterate how they'd liked it.  I felt really good.

One of the panels was especially impressive for me.   The subject was Queer and lesbian In The Black Church, and Pamela Lightsey of Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary blew me away.  I'd never heard someone talk like that in person.  She was getting call and response (amen!s and that's right!s) from the audience.  If I went to church, I'd want to go to her church.

I have a ton of notes to sort through, a dozen ideas for articles or books, and a list of people to email to say how pleased I was to meet them.  I also spoke with four publishers at the book fair who were interested in my dissertation as a book.  One will publish a paper bag, but the other three are legitimate and reputable presses.  Time to do a book proposal and shop it around.  I've got a lot of work to do.

The internet on the train is intermittent and slower than my old 386 on dial-up. I can't get me email to send. I'll try again in Montreal when I find a good connection. I'm sore and tired and looking forward to checking into the hotel. I had planned to spend the whole train trip surfing. Thank God for my ipod and the book I brought.

I'm heading to Montreal today.  I'm taking two bags (one a handgrip and one a briefcase) with me, and have decided to bring the laptop despite how heavy it is.  I'm looking forward to the conference for its content and for the chance to network.  I'm wearing a suit and tie today, a blouse and skirt tomorrow, a dress on Sunday and back to suit & tie for Monday.  I've checked my clothing, got a map for finding food, and I've practiced my speech every day for weeks.

Job front:  I have a commitment from Marilyn, and need two more letters of recommendation. Two people have declined to write letters for me, so I've emailed two more people asking them.  Their refusal is a bit of a surprise, but it's really my own fault for failing to nurture these relationships enough.  I'm learning from that.  I've got to make people more aware of the work I do. When I get back I'll send out the press release - that'll be a start.

My mom is coming for graduation.  She's going to stay from the 19th until the 24th.  I'm kind of freaking out about where I'll put her.  When I thought she was just touching down and leaving the next day I thought I'd put her up in a hotel.  Now that's just not economically feasible.  It may end up being a hostel or something.  There's one nearby on Augusta, which would be a plus.

Last year the business cards misslynx made for me didn't print properly, so I was without cards for the conference.  This was not her fault - the Avery website has two listings for model 5371 and one lines up and one doesn't.  Today I discovered that because she sent them to me in Word files as well as pdfs I can download the correct format and cut and paste.  Also, I was able to update them to reflect my graduation.  Sweet!  I've printed an exemplar and it lines up correctly.  All I have to do now is get a fresh cartridge and print off my cards.  Thank-you to misslynx  for having provided me with these sweet card designs!

Yesterday i got my photos taken for my passport renewal.  They look awesome.  All I have to do now is go to the renewal office and pay them $87. 

My AAR speech is coming in at 13 minutes, which gives me plenty of time to speak in a slow relaxed tone.  The clothes I picked out for the conference are gorgeous and have been adjusted to fit me perfectly.  I'm getting particularly good at fitting shirts.  I also hemmed a wool dress that I like so it ends just above the knee, which makes it feel more Mod/60s.

Emil, the dude at St. Mike's is okay with waiting until the 10th to get the recovered dissertations back.

So there was a typo in my dissertation title page - it said 2008 instead of 2009.  None of the half dozen or so of us who read it caught it.  So now I have to get the whole thing rebound.  It will cost me $50.

 I found a job I want to apply for.  It's teaching courses in Religion & Women at UofT Mississauga.  I've emailed four people asking if they could provide letters of reference.  I need three.  The deadline is the end of November.  My teaching experience isn't what they'd like, but I fit the rest of it well.  Here's hoping I can pull it together.

Also, I now have to get my thesis rebound because there's an 8 on a page where there should be a 9.  Fun.

I've got a ton of stuff to do over today and tomorrow.

1. Organize my office: I don't have a great memory, but I'm a great note-taker.  I have piles of paper everywhere and they need to be sorted out so I can distinguish between the pieces of paper with deadlines and reminders from the ones which list my favourite bpal scents or ideas for stories.
2. Draft a press release: This will detail the findings from my dissertation study.  I aim to send this out in November and would like it to be done before the AAR.  To make it complete I'll need some quotations from people other than me.  I'll have t email them the draft and ask for responses to include.
3. Prepare my wardrobe for the AAR:  Some of the clothes will need to be taken in and one dress needs to be hemmed.  Then I usually do a little dress-up and see how the outfits feel.  This can prevent those last-minute surprises of "this doesn't fit" or 'this had a big hole I forgot about."
4. Shop: Pick up another pair of tights, which may require a trip to Queen St. for Le Chateau or H&M.  My current tights are great, but have a hole in the hip, which makes me feel a little like a hobo.  I went to H&M recently but it was like a tornado had gone through the tights section.  Nothing was left except for a pair that looked like melted neapolitan icecream.
5. Get my hair trimmed.  Nothing drastic, like I was considering before.  Just a trim.  I figure public speaking is scary enough without adding in a haircut spurred by anxiety and stress.
6. Print my speech & handouts for my lecture.  The handouts will enable people to reach me after the conference, and also point folks to the upcoming JOB article.
7. Design and print business cards. These will enable me to network with people I meet at the conference.  
8. Get a passport photo taken and finish my passport application.  This is dire only because I don't want to miss the deadline for using the simplified renewal.
9. Get a grad photo taken and printed.  I took some photos earlier, but I wasn't happy with them. Try try again.
10. Download programs so I can make dvds for my uncle John. He's sent me a list of the titles he's looking for.  If you happen to have any of them as AVI or DVD files, please let me know.

( cut for big movie list )

I stumbled across an interesting website today:www.freeinfosociety.com. It's got a bunch of interesting files on it and I can see myself exploring it for quite a while. One of them is the full text of How To Stop Worrying And Start Living, which is a book I've found very useful. I'm beginning to think I should read it again....soon.

Lately I've been kind of exhausted. I'm prepping for the AAR conference, working, trying to stay on top of my student loan paperwork, and other assorted crap. I'm encountering an above average number of idiots. I'm encountering bureaucracy of enormous proportions with even the simplest task. It's difficult to feel like I'm making progress. Also, I can't seem to get enough sleep. For a few days I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. Instead of working productively my brain has been caught in a song loop of Everclear's here We Go Again , or it's been plotting Shassie slash.  Thanks, brain.  Way to let the team down.

Also, if one more fucking person asks me if I've applied for academic jobs I will kill them with a pen.  I know they're trying to be helpful and friendly and show interest in my life, but I really wish they'd back the hell off.

Yesterday I cleaned the house and cooked up a storm. I took mashed potatoes, added chickpeas and a ton of garam masala and chili powder (because the masala wasn't garam enough) and used it as a filling in springroll wraps and phyllo pastry. I also sauteed spinach and then pureed it with roasted garlic and used that as a filling with the phyllo. This was the first time I've worked with phyllo and I learned that while I can seal it with soymilk it gets a little doughy and dry. Sealing it with olive oil worked better for flakiness. Next time I'll aim for puffiness as well as flakiness.

Marilyn emailed me to ask what's up with graduation. I emailed Terry Donaldson at TST and he said that the word from St. Mike's is that all MA and PhD students who are registered at Regis will attend the Regis convocation instead of the St. Mike's convocation. There will be five of us, apparently. The date for that is November 21st, rather than the 14th. I hope mom can rearrange her flight.

The Regis registrar tells me that a representative from St. Mike's will give me my diploma. I guess that's so the archbishop needn't be bothered by any heresy. Apparently I'll be getting an invitation to my graduation soon.

I am glad it's sorted, but it pisses me off that I had to fight to find out every little detail every step of the way.

mzrowan's newslink about lucky people struck a chord with me. It describes my luck pretty well.  One example of this: I called to confirm that my student loan papers had arrived, and they had. But they had forgotten to send me interest relief forms, so I had to remind them. I just felt like I ought to check, even though it wasn't part of my usual pattern.  Sure enough, they'd screwed up in a way that would have screwed me over down the line.  Also, I learned that the interest relief program has been replaced, even though their forms don't reflect this at all.

In a similar vein, I will call St. Mike's today to find out why they haven't cashed my grad fees cheque.

Loraine Hutchins is going to print with the Journal of Bisexuality's spirit issue.  She said my article was magnificent.  I'm pretty psyched.  The anonymous reviewers helped a lot by being so critical.  I also changed the verbs to make them more active and removed some of my usual convoluted constructions.  I sent off the draft for my AAR speech to Mark Jordan, the man who will respond at the conference.  It's been similarly edited.  Now I just have to practice it a lot.

I got an email about the AAR regional conference in Ottawa this May.  I'm planning to submit proposals for papers to that conference as well.  Here's hoping I get to present again on a new topic.

Inspired to shamelessly copy tamago23 , here is my thanksgiving meme.  Her list has a lot of things that could have been on mine (I love Canadian healthcare, for example), but I've tried not to be a total copycat.

25 things for which I am grateful.

1. It's been 14 months since I first switched to vegan eating and it continues to be an enjoyable and meaningful experience for me.
2. My relationship with mr_pugh is strong and supportive. I'm crazy in love and I enjoy every minute we're together (which is usually 18-20 hours out of every 24).
3. I don't have to fear that possible impending poverty will destroy my relationship. We've been in more dire straits and pulled through fine. We do poor well.
4. I feel healthy and fit. I'm energetic and strong.
5. As a result of the many clothing swaps I have attended I have a comfortable wardrobe that I enjoy wearing.
6. My bosses are smart, generous and awesome. I'm proud to work for them.
7. My coworkers are fun and pleasant to be with. They make my shifts fly by. Even if some of them move away or leave for different jobs, I trust my bosses will choose a good replacement.
8. I have a large number of customers that I know and like and look forward to serving. My pleasant interactions with them make my day enjoyable and boost my mood.
9. I'm talking to both my parents and building a pleasant relationship with them as an adult. They both remain independent and self-sufficient and give me reason to be proud rather than worried.
10. I'm expanding my culinary repertoire and discovering new foods I love on a regular basis.
11. I'm completing my grant applications and taking steps to achieve my goal of working as a professional writer.
12. I've finished my doctoral degree and it seems likely that I will be able to attend my graduation ceremony (fingers crossed).
13. I have the ability to reduce my expenses, delay my gratification, keep track of my bills. I have paid all of my bills on time, even during my periods of poverty, and I have a good credit rating.
14. I really like our apartment. I know it's not my ideal home, but it's an awesome home for right now.
15. I love our neighbourhood, which feels safe and has a lot of great stores nearby.
16. I have a good circle of friends and acquaintances and enjoy socializing with them, whether at my place or elsewhere.
17. My cats are healthy and happy and I have enough space in the apartment for them to run and play.
18. I love having an office for my books, my computer and my writing.
19. I love my collection of books. I have lots of non-fiction and school-related books, but I also have a great collection of fiction that I re-read, including books by Agatha Christie, P.D. James, Dorothy L. Sayers, Rex Stout, and Ngaio Marsh. I also have a great collection of children's books, including almost all the Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books, The Harry Potter series, the Gordon Korman books, and the Winnie The Pooh series. We read and re-read these often.
20. I have better self-esteem than I've ever had before in my life.
21. My healthy eating habits and frequent exercise have enabled me to meet and maintain my weight goals.
22. I'm smart enough to understand the student loan forms I need to complete and to make the best financial decisions for our family.
23. I'm creative enough to think of viable magazine articles and I have the skills to pitch, write and sell them to the appropriate market. This is a source of income I can use when things get difficult.
24. I am not afraid to speak in public, which enables me to do things like present papers at the AAR or give the talk next week on aboriginal sexuality.
25. I haven't had a problem with depression for quite some time now. Instead, I feel optimistic about my life and my ability to adapt to new circumstances.

It's kind of amazing to see it all down like that. Initially I thought I couldn't come up with 25 things I'm grateful about, but it wasn't difficult at all once I started.  Of course the idea of gratitude seems to evoke the assumption that one is grateful to a deity for these things.  I'm grateful to myself and mr_pugh  for the parts we had control over, and to to fate (whatever that is), luck, and circumstance for the other parts.

I got a letter today telling me that St. Mike's received my application for graduation.  It tells me to submit my thesis before October 2.  The letter is dated October 2.  Helpful letter.

I have to give them a hundred dollar graduation fee.  This is due by the 9th, although I had to call to find that out.

Also, I got an email from my thesis supervisor.  She got an email from TST asking her if I'd made the corrections to my thesis.  Uh...there weren't any?  Passed without revisions...means no revisions?  She thinks we should meet and I should bring a copy of the thesis.  I emailed her an electronic copy.  It costs me $50 every time I print the thing.

I'm working like a maniac. A coworker went to Ireland and I'm filling in some shifts, plus I've added an extra workday to my week now that school's over. Some of these shifts will end at 11p.m., which will be a stretch for me since my usual bedtime is 10:30p.m. A coworker suggested I just drink a lot of coffee, but I haven't had coffee of tea in 13 months, and I'm not about to start now. I'd probably bounce around like an animaniac if I did.

I feel a sense of accomplishment. My dissertations are bound and passed in. I got a receipt for it so they can't pretend they never received them. The guy who signed the receipt looked at me like I'm a paranoid freak. I thought about explaining why I wanted it, but nothing makes one sound more like a paranoid freak than explaining about the conspiracy against you. My application for a Canada Council grant has been received (but I won't hear back until November at the earliest). I sent my JOB article off on time (and am hopeful that it's acceptable).

I've got gaming on Monday (a welcome social event in an otherwise social-free week) and mr_pugh  kindly cleaned the house so no one will know I live in squalor while I write.  It's funny how happy the house looks when it's clean.

I feel good. The sense of total panic that set in after my defense is subsiding as I slowly begin to believe that I can handle life after school. I've got two books from the public library about writing book proposals and I plan to whip some up and send them off. I'd like to try shaping my dissertation into a book. I've been surfing the Ontario Arts Council website and might try to pull together an application to them. Plus I've got lots of other ideas I could pitch in book proposals. I've also been thinking about magazine article ideas. Now that the school bit is done actually living as a writer seems plausible. I would love this, but I can't yet see it as something to do in place of a job; only something to do in addition to a job.

I don't get writers block, but I do get to a point where everything I'm writing seems to suck and the task seems overwhelming and I become convinced that I've risen to my level of incompetence and will just bail on the project and become a person who never does anything contributive ever again. mr_pugh has named this my Don Music moment. Luckily, on the other side of it is the "finished the project successfully" moment.

This is not to say that I've given up on teaching university. I filled out my cv for the job fair at the AAR conference next month. Last year's CV didn't get me any interviews, but this year's CV is much better. I don't expect to get any interviews, but at least I know I'm a viable candidate. I've been too busy to search for teaching jobs right now, but plan to do so on Thursday when I have time to myself. I'm also looking into how to create my own fellowship situation by getting the okay from a department I'd like to work with to apply for a SSHRC grant. But that's a next year project.

I'm feeling super healthy lately. I worked hard to hit 130 for my defense so I would feel confident, and I've just sort of kept it up. I haven't been eating crap, which seems to make a big difference. Also, my portions have been smaller, I've taken my time eating the food I do eat and I've cut out the eating I used to do because I was bored. Oddly enough, the less I eat junk the less I want to eat junk. I've been carrying my stainless steel water canister with me everywhere and drinking a lot of water as a result. Previously I always seemed to gorge on junk once I hit 130, and I haven't done so this time. On a few days I've dipped down into the high 120s, which hasn't happened since my first year of university, when I went from 115 to 125 and up. My freshman fifteen as totally due to eating an enormous amount of junk food, for which I am not at all sorry. My clothes fit really loosely now. I find it easier to move and I still feel energetic. I sometimes feel like I'm turning into a different person. One thing that's difficult to get used to is people looking at me. I was kind of invisible when I was heavier, and since I wasn't looking to hook up, that felt fine. But people are kind of looking at me funny now and it's a little weird to get used to again (I assume I was used to this at some point in the past, because I don't remember being this aware of the attention; only of really pushy attention). I don't know if I can avoid the traditional pound-package of winter, but I'll try.

As a result of many clothing swaps this year I have an awesome wardrobe that I love. I shifted my summer clothes to the top of my closet (it's two-tiered) and brought the winter clothes down this week. I'm trying to make a point of wearing the clothes I like more often instead of just wearing what i know will not draw any attention. Today I'm wearing a striped dress shirt with a black vest and jeans. Part of me worries that people will ask why I'm dressed up. But I am ignoring that part of my brain. I want to stand out and look nice. I want to enjoy the clothes I like instead of saving them for some special occasion that never comes.

On an unrelated note, I've been musically old for some time now. Seriously stuck in the 80s. I know this because I now prefer listening to music I disliked in the 80s to having to hear something new (hello again Elton John's Nikita, and all the songs by Tears for Fears). Hell, I even downloaded songs from a bad 80s cartoon called Kid Video.  However, there is one small outlet by which I hear new songs: movies, and increasingly, shassie fanvideos. I just bought Crazy Possessive by Kaci Battaglia because of this video.